Here are some of the classic questions being asked of the Sydney
Olympic Committee via their Web site, and answers supplied where
appropriate. Very worrying how many of the really super-dumb
ones come from the UK...
I hear that all Australian women are beautiful. Is that true and
if so, can you send me pictures of the available ones? (Italy)
I want to go swimming at Bondi Beach on October 20th. Will I
turn blue?(Germany)
Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain
on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
Which direction should I drive - Perth to Darwin or Darwin to
Perth - to avoid driving with the sun in my eyes? (Germany)
I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad
tracks? (Sweden)
Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places
to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
My client wants to take a steel pooper-scooper into Australia.
Will you let her in? (South Africa)
Are there any ATMs in Australia? Can you send me a list of them
in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
Where can I learn underwater welding in Australia? (Portugal)
Do the camels in Australia have one hump or two? (UK)
Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
Do tents exist in Australia? (Germany)
Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female
population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
Can I drive on the Great Barrier Reef? (Germany)
Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round?
(Germany)
Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. (USA)
Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I
forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.
Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
Are there places in Australia where you can make love outdoors?
(Italy)
I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the
girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help?
(USA)
Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
True extracts from UK Insurance Claim forms; These are NEW (mostly),
and were collected by Norwich Union for their annual Christmas
magazine.
"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."
"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I
realized the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a
blanket."
Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Traveled by bus?
This Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and
answers on the claim form were:
Q - What warning was given by you?
A - Horn
Q - What warning was given by the other party?
A - Moo
"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an
elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose
concentration and hit a bollard."
"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."
"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion
reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."
"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"
"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have
asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."
Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a
hazardous nature?
A: I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan.
"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis
ran into the rear of second car."
"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."
"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him
again"
"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law
and headed over the embankment."
"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its
intention."
"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way"
"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face"
"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car"
"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I
reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I
did not see the other car."
"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my
universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."
"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the
pedestrian."
"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."
"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."
"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in
a ditch by some stray cows."
Examples of unclear writing (Sentences taken from actual letter received
by Welfare Department in Application for Support..)
I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.
I am writing the welfare department to say my baby was born 2 years old. When do I get my money?
Mrs. Jones had not have any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy.
I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why.
I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.
This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it.
Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am living with can't eat or drink until he knows.
I am very much annoyed to find that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.
In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing ten pounds: I hope this is satisfactory.
I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my three children; one of which is a mistake as you can see.
My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.
Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.
You have changed my little boy into a girl. Will this make any difference?
I have no children as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.
In accordance with your instruction, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.
I want money as quick as I can get, so I have been in bed with doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve I will have to send for another doctor.
Barry Smith worked for us for six months and when he left we were happy, we hope this helps his character.
sledge(3) vb.(tr.)Austral.to bait (an opponent,esp.a
batsman in cricket) in order to upset his concentration.
[of uncertain origin;perhaps from SLEDGEHAMMER]
Among today's players, few sledge more enthusiastically than Shane
Warne. During Australia's last tour of South Africa it was rumoured
that Daryll Cullinan had been consulting a psychologist to exorcise
the demons that appeared whenever Warne removed his hat to bowl . No
sooner had Cullinan arrived at the crease than Warne snarled: "I'm
going to send you straight back to your shrink." The right words can
intimidate and demoralise.
In 1989, a young Phil Kearns packed down opposite the All Black rough
nut Sean Fitzpatrick. Amid the grinding of shoulders, Kearns became
aware he was being spoken to: "What are you doing here, Kearns? You
don't belong here. You're just a little boy. Why don't you go home to
mummy?"
Sledging is often personal. One reason Warne is quick to taunt
Cullinan is that the South African is fond of making remarks about
Warne's girth "Leave us some lunch, fat boy" being one of his
favourites.
Similarly, Ian Healy once became frustrated with an overweight batsman
from a South African provincial side who seemed not the least
interested in scoring runs. Eventually Healy called to the bowler:
"Why don't we put a Mars bar on a good length to see if we can lure
him out of his crease?"
Targets of sledging sometimes manage a killer reply. On one occasion,
an English county bowler was having surprising success against the
great West Indian Viv Richards, who'd played and missed at several
balls. Foolishly, the bowler piped up: "Hey Viv, it's red and it's
round this is what it looks like" A steaming Richards cracked the next
ball into the carpark and told the bowler:
"You know what it looks like, man - go find the c*nt."
More recently, Merv Hughes was being Merv, aiming constant abuse at
English batsman Robin Smith. But having been told that he "couldn't
bat to save his f*cking life," Smith smashed a four, walked down the
pitch and said:
"Make a good pair, don't we? I can't f*cking bat and you can't f*cking
bowl."
Sledging sometimes amounts to threats. In the 1960's, the St George
forward Kevin Ryan was considered rugby league's hardest man. He was
running amok one day against Balmain, who called an emergency meeting
which resolved that prop George Piper would stop Ryan by any means
possible. Piper subsequently hit his target with the best punch he'd
ever thrown, claiming later it would have ripped the head off a
bullock. But Ryan merely looked at him and said mildly: "Not a bad
one, George. Yours is coming." Probably to save his skin, Piper
managed to get himself sent off shortly after.
One time, when David Boon was proving hard to dislodge, West Indies
quick Malcolm Marshall asked him: "Are you going to get out soon,
David, or do I have to come around the wicket and kill you?"
In 1994, Allan Border told South African all-rounder Brian McMillan:
"For a big bloke, you don't bowl very fast."
He got no reaction - until lunch, when McMillan burst into the
Australian dressing room and told Border to repeat the slur while the
South African pointed a pistol at Border's head.
If that seems over the top, it was child's play compared to comments
allegedly directed at New Zealand's Chris Cairns by two Australian
players. It was claimed the players had made "choo choo" noises at
Cairns, whose sister had been killed in a recent train accident. The
story was denied by all parties.
But to sledge is to play with fire. In 1975, NSW paceman Dave Colley
had his first look at a swaggering Viv Richards and wasn't taken with
what he saw. When he bowled to Richards he was treated with contempt
until he dug in a bouncer. The ball clipped Richards's head, was
caught by the keeper and the umpire raised his finger. Richards stood
his ground and pointed to his head, prompting Colley to growl: "Listen
you c*nt. There's nothing in there. Have a look at the scoreboard and
then f*ck off." At the end of the day, as the NSW players filed next
door for a drink, they noticed the West Indies' dressing room had been
converted into something that looked terribly like a makeshift boxing
ring. Sure enough, Richards appeared wearing gloves, shorts and
nothing else, dancing and snorting. The NSW boys shot into reverse,
locking their own door behind them. It took the matey diplomacy of
Doug Walters to dissuade Richards from depositing Colley on to the
nearest asteroid.
During a WSC final at the SCG where the game had been shortened due to
rain and the atmosphere was running at about 95% humidity a very
exhausted Arjuna Ranatunga appealed that he had "sprained" something.
He duly asked the umpire for a runner. As clear as a bell through the
effects mic you heard Healey's legendary reply "you don't get a runner
for being an overweight, unfit, fat c*nt".
Lastly, sledging can be plain amusing. It's unlikely Merv Hughes was
thinking tactically when he told a struggling English batsmen: "I'll
bowl you a f*cking piano, ya Pommie pooftah. Let's see if you can play
that."
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
Bad cop! No donut!
You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.
Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around-that's how far ahead of me they are.
What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.
Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.
Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
No, YOU assume the position.
I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!
If I bend over, will I still get a ticket?
No, offi, offic, Lucifer . . . I'm not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog.
No, I don't know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110 mph.
Back off, Barney, I've got a piece.
But officer, I've got 2 different drivers licenses from 2 different states! Pick 1...
I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green men!
On the way to the station let's get a six pack, and don't forget the cig's.
You'll never get those cuffs on me, you homo!
Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
Hey, wasn't your daughter a porn queen?
How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
So that's what those yellow flashing lights in the school zone means.
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it)
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced
to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it)
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig)
(How'd they figure this out, and why?)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still can't
get over that pig thing) (Don't try this at home...maybe at work?)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is
that why Flipper was always smiling?) (And pigs get 30-minute orgasms?
Doesn't seem fair)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmmmmm........)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed
people do. (If you're ambidextrous do you split the difference?)
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own
weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From
drinking little bottles of...?) (Did taxpayers pay for this research??)
Polar bears are left handed. (Who knew....? Who cares? How'd they
find out?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What can be so tasty on
the bottom of the pond?)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the
length of a football field. (30 minutes...can you imagine?? And why pigs?)
A cockroach will live nine days without it's head before it starves to
death. (Creepy)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its
body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm
home. What the....)(Well, at least pigs get a break there...)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next life I still want to be
a pig... quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh, geez) (That's almost as bad as
catfish)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people like
that.)
Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too.)
After reading all these, all I can say is.............Lucky Pigs!!
Some Random Thoughts for Those Who Take Life Too Seriously