Two TrampsShort JokesMelissa AntidoteLawyer JokesShort FunniesWisecracksAndy Rooney
Two Tramps
Short Jokes
Melissa Antidote
Lawyer Jokes
Short Funnies
Wisecracks
Andy Rooney
I got home last night and there were two tramps sitting on my doorstep. On was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks. Naturally I was concerned so I called the police.
They charged one and let the other one off....
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. In my script it clearly said "Enter Juliette from the rear."
A life ? Cool! Where can I download one of those ?
I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.
Q. How do you attract a vegetarian?
A. Make a noise like a wounded vegetable.
The survival of the fittest is going to make some guy awful lonesome some day.
Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with your Microsoft product.
One difference between man and beast is the jungle doesn't have a group called Predators for the Ethical Treatment of Prey.
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. So I said, "Thyroid problem?'" - Emo Philips
A nude dancer makes $1,500 a week, and a secretary makes $8 an hour. Who's being exploited?
Overheard at a hotel in Tel Aviv: "My wife's two hours late. She's probably been kidnapped, or in a terrible auto accident, or she's shopping. OY ! I hope she's not shopping !"
A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
Add the addresses of known spammers as the first fifty lines in your Outlook address book.
Q What is the difference between a dead dog in the
middle of the road, and a dead lawyer in the middle of
the road?
A There are skid marks in front of the dog
Q What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to
his neck in sand?
A Not enough sand
Q What is the difference between God and a lawyer?
A God does not think He is a lawyer
Q What is the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A A vampire only sucks blood at night
Q Did you hear the one about the terrorist who
hijacked a Boeing 747 full of lawyers?
A He threatened to release one every hour if his demands
were not met
A man walked into a lawyer's office and asked what the charges were.
£300 for three questions.
'Isn't that a bit steep?' asked the man.
'Yes' said the lawyer, and what is your third question?
A lawyer went into a doctor's surgery with a frog on his head.
'That's a nasty looking growth' said the doctor.
'I'll say', said the frog. 'It started out with a small pimple on my bottom'
Two Aerials met on a roof, fell in love, & got married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
Two cannibals were eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you?'
Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green Green Grass Of Home'.
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'
Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy said to Dolly
'I was artificially inseminated this morning.'
'I don't believe you,' said Dolly
'It's true, straight up, no bull!'
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him.' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's bloody heavy.'
A neutron walks into a bar. 'I'd like a beer' he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
'How much will that be?' asks the neutron.
'For you?' replies the bartender, 'no charge.'
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.'
The other says 'Are you sure?'
The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive...'
Guy goes into the doctor's.
'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my arse'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start'
'Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.'
'Well you can't say fairer than that then.'
What's got 4 legs and an arm ?
A happy Rottweiler !!
Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
What's brown and sounds like a bell?
DUNG
What do you use a wombat for?
For playing wom!
What Ticks on the wall?
Ticky Paper
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
So I went to the dentist. He said 'Say Aaah.'
I said 'Why?'
He said 'My dog's died."
So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said 'You are.'
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Stupidity got us into this mess - why can't it get us out?
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world.
A pessimist fears that this is true.
There is always death and taxes; however death doesn't get worse every year.
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.
I don't get even, I get odder.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
I am a nutritional overachiever.
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
I am having an out of money experience.
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
Not afraid of heights - afraid of widths.
Practice safe eating-always use condiments.
A day without sunshine is like night.
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
I am not a perfectionist. My parents were though.
Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.
You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever!
Age doesn't always bring wisdom, Sometimes age comes alone.
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
And Always remember this:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.
As you may know, Andy Rooney of "60 Minutes" writes his own stuff. However, as he has gotten older and slipped further into geezer-dom, his sense of broadcasting propriety has blurred.
His producers have appointed a forty year-old Jewish female to edit (police) his material. She has been dubbed the Czarina of PCTV. Here are some of Andy's efforts that didn't make the cut...
1. Andy Rooney on Vegetarians:
"Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning lousy hunter."
2. Andy Rooney On Prisoners:
Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece, I'll take a few prisoners into my home. I live in Los Angeles, so I already have bars on the windows.
I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.
3. Andy Rooney On Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
4. Andy Rooney On Morning Differences:
Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking,'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
5. Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know." It costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know." Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Says into phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say, "I'm not in the mood."
6. Andy Rooney On Cripes:
My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be -- Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
7. Andy Rooney On Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
8. Andy Rooney On Answering Machines:
Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: "Share the love." Beep.
"Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling... Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love."
9. Andy Rooney on Research:
Because over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research, it is believed that by the year 2030 there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections who can't remember what to do with them.