The following are from the Washington Post Invitational contest, which
calls them Merge-Matic Books. Readers were asked to combine the works of
two authors, and to provide a suitable blurb.
Second Runner-Up:"Machiavelli's The Little Prince" - Antoine de
Saint-Exupery's classic children's tale as presented by Machiavelli. The
whimsy of human nature is embodied in many delightful and intriguing
characters, all of whom are executed. (Erik Anderson, Tempe, Ariz.)
First Runner-Up:"Green Eggs and Hamlet" -
Would you kill him in his bed?
Thrust a dagger through his head?
I would not, could not, kill the King.
I could not do that evil thing.
I would not wed this girl, you see.
Now get her to a nunnery.
(Robin Parry, Arlington)
And the Winner: "Fahrenheit 451 of the Vanities" - An '80s yuppie is
denied books. He does not object, or even notice. (Mike Long, Burke)
Honorable Mentions: "Where's Walden?"- Alas, the challenge of locating
Henry David Thoreau in each richly-detailed drawing loses its appeal when
it quickly becomes clear that he is always in the woods. (Sandra Hull,
Arlington)
"Catch-22 in the Rye" - Holden learns that if you're insane, you'll
probably flunk out of prep school, but if you're flunking out of prep
school, you're probably not insane. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)
"2001: A Space Iliad"- The Hal 9000 computer wages an insane 10-year war
against the Greeks after falling victim to the Y2K bug. (Joseph Romm,
Washington)
"Rikki-Kon-Tiki-Tavi"- Thor Heyerdahl recounts his attempt to prove
Rudyard Kipling's theory that the mongoose first came to India on a raft
from Polynesia. (David Laughton, Washington)
"The Maltese Faulkner" - Is the black bird a tortured symbol of Sam's
struggles with race and family? Does it signify his decay of soul along
with the soul of the Old South? Is it merely a crow, mocking his
attempts to understand? Or is it worth a cool mil? (Thad Humphries,
Warrenton)
"Jane Eyre Jordan" - Plucky English orphan girl survives hardships to lead
the Chicago Bulls to the NBA championship.(Dave Pickering, Bowie)
"Looking for Mr. Godot"- A young woman waits for Mr. Right to enter her
life. She has a lo-o-o-ong wait. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)
"The Scarlet Pimpernel Letter" - An 18th-century English nobleman leads a
double life, freeing comely young adulteresses from the prisons of
post-Revolution France.
"Lorna Dune" - An English farmer, Paul Atreides, falls for the daughter
of a notorious rival clan, the Harkonnens, and pursues a career as a giant
worm jockey in order to impress her.
"The Remains of the Day of the Jackal" - A formal English butler puts his
loyalty to his employer above all else, until he is persuaded to join a
plot to assassinate Charles deGaulle.
"The Invisible Man of La Mancha"- Don Quixote discovers a mysterious
elixir which renders him invisible. He proceeds to go on a mad rampage of
corruption and terror, attacking innocent people in the streets and all
the while singing "To Fight the Invisible Man!" until he is finally
stopped by a windmill.
"Singing in the Black Rain"- A gang of vicious Japanese druglords beat the
shit out of Gene Kelly.
"Fiddlemarch" - Emotionally desiccated medievalist Dr. Casaubon is
transformed when everyone in the town reveals that they are Jewish and
start to dance and sing a lot.
"Of Three Blind Mice and Men" - Burgess Meredith has his limbs hacked off
by a psychopathic farmer's wife. Did you ever see such a thing in your
life?
"Planet of the Grapes of Wrath" - Astronaut lands on mysterious planet,
only to discover that it is his very own home planet of Earth, which has
been taken over by the Joads, a race of dirt-poor corn farmers who
miraculously developed rudimentary technology and evolved the ability to
speak after exposure to nuclear radiation.
"Paradise Lost in Space"- Satan, Moloch, and Belial are sentenced to spend
eternity in a flying saucer with a goofy robot, an evil scientist, and 2
annoying children.
"The Exorstentialist" - Camus psychological thriller about a priest who
casts out a demon by convincing it that there's really no purpose to what
it's doing.
beer scooter - the ability to get home after a night out on
the booze and not remember it. i.e. "I don't even remember getting home
last night, I must have caught the beer scooter".
one in the departure lounge - the need to defecate imminently.
aeroplane blond - one who has dyed her hair but still has a
'black box'!
aeroplane skirt - a skirt with a very long slit up it that
goes all the way up to the 'cockpit'.
Pearl Harbour - cold (weather). This is one I have heard from
a fair few people recently. An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl
Harbour out there !". Meaning - there's a nasty 'nip' in the air !
badly packed kebab - a vulgar (but still excellent) term for the 'vagina'.
Britney Spears - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'beers'. e.g. "Give
us a couple of Britney's will ya Doreen".
Bruce Lee's - erect nipples (as in a pair of hard 'nips'. This
ignores the fact that Bruce Lee was Chinese).
Bum Gravy - This one speaks for itself ! You may get this
after a dodgy curry.
bunny boiler - an unhinged and overly possessive woman. From
the rabbit boiling scene in the film "Fatal Attraction" e.g. "I don't
like the look of her mate, could be a bunny boiler".
council gritter - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'shitter'. e.g.
"Does she take it up the council ?".
Donald Trump - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'dump' (defecate).
e.g. "I'm just nipping out for a Donald".
drink-link - a modern term for a cashpoint machine (ATM).
Named so because it is common to visit one before going out on the booze!
furry monkey - slang term for vagina. As used by Daisy Donovan
on Channel 4's Eleven O'Clock Show.
greyhound - a very short skirt. From the fact that a greyhound
(on a racetrack) is close to the hare (hair). i.e. "Blimey look at
the greyhound on that bird!".
Jackson Pollock(s) - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'bollocks'
(testicles). e.g."He needs a good kick in the Jackson's".
Johnny-no-stars - a young man of substandard intelligence,
i.e. the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The
no-stars'
bit comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food
restaurants often wear which show their level of training.
Leo Sayer - an 'all-dayer' (drinking or a rave etc).
Melvyn Bragg - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'fag' (cigarette).
e.g. "Oi mate, can I scrounge a Melvyn off you?".
mumblers - used when you spot an attractive girl in tight
shorts or similar clothes i.e. you can see the 'lips' moving but can't
quite make out what they're saying.
Nelson Mandela - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the Belgian lager).
Pat Cash - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'slash' (to urinate).
pictures of the queen - paper money, notes. e.g. "How do you
want payin ?", "Pictures of the queen mate !".
ragmans coat - untidy and very hairy vagina. e.g. "Yeah, she
looks quite fit but I bet she's got one like a ragmans coat !"
release a chocolate hostage - to defecate.
e.g. " I'm just nipping out to release a chocolate hostage".
ricockulous - a more extreme version of the word 'ridiculous'.
Good for when you want to add more emphasis.
salad dodger - an excellent phrase for an overweight person.
skin chimney - excellent (but disgusting of course) term for vagina.
spam fritter - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'shitter' (anus).
Similar to "Gary Glitter".
Steve McQueen's - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'jeans'.
swamp donkey - an unattractive woman. e.g. "Blimey, have you
seen those swamp donkeys sitting in the corner!".
tart fuel - similar to 'bitch piss', bottled alcopop's
regularly drunk by young women.
tea towel holder - the anus. Derived from the fact that those
round plastic holders that you push tea towels into resemble the anus.
tropical fish - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'piss', pron. 'pish'
(in a Scottish way ?). An example of an abbreviated way of using it would
be to say "I'm off for a tropie".
Turkish bath - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'laugh'. e.g. "You're
'avin a Turkish mate!".
up on blocks - having a period (menstruating). i.e. Out of
action, a bit like a car in a garage. e.g. "I don't think I'll be in luck
tonight lads, the missus is up on blocks".
Wallace and Gromit - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'vomit'.
wizard's sleeve - a large (cavernous) vagina. May be a
creation of the 'Viz' comic.
Wyatt Earp - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'burp'.
Wynona Ryder - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'cider'. e.g. "Can I
have a pint'a Wynona and half a Nelson".
The Public Art Galleries - Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point - I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes - That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two - Twelve plus one
Contradiction - Accord not in it
Princess Diana - Ascend in Paris
President Clinton of the USA - To copulate he finds interns
"To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the
mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune."
And the Anagram:
"In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero,
Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten."
"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind."
* Neil Armstrong
The Anagram:
"Thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on moon!
On to Mars!"
Some Good Definitions