Merge-Matic Books 2The Lord's Prayer as an SMS Text MessageSoccer AnagramsEven More AnagramsNewSpeakMore New WordsPooping DefinitionsChinese ProverbsTaliban RadioDouble Entendres
Merge-Matic Books 2
The Lord's Prayer as an SMS Text Message
Soccer Anagrams
Even More Anagrams
NewSpeak
More New Words
Pooping Definitions
Chinese Proverbs
Taliban Radio
Double Entendres
Previous Page
Next Page
Big Joke List
The Winter's Tale of Two Cities
Leontes is pursued through the streets of revolutionary Paris by a bear before escaping to England and laying down his life in a supererogatory act.
Jude: The Obscure object of Desire
A simple Dorset-based stonemason harbours dreams of becoming an Oxford student but ultimately turns to making soft porn movies with an elderly Spanish film-maker...
Lucky Lord Jim
Tired of life as a poorly-paid schoolmaster in the provinces in 50s Britain, Trad-Jazz-loving Jim Dixon signs on for a lengthy sea voyage ...etc...etc...
Rob Roy of the Rovers
Francis Osbaldistone, banished to the north of England by the cruel father whose business he refuses to work for, signs professional forms for Melchester Rovers and scores the winning goal in the FA Cup Final...
Porgy and Tess
Homeloving country girl with aspirations to marry above herself meets instead, a cotton plantatation worker in the American deep South....
Nineteen Eighty For Whom The Bell Tolls
Dystopian novel about a Spain ruled by a dictator following a gruelling civil war...
Moonrakenfield
Industrialist and rocket builder Sir Hugo Drax becomes the scourge of his quiet English village when it is discovered he cheats at cards.
Cider with the Rose
An Edwardian Gloucestershire-based youth loses his innocence when he discovers a mildewing parchment that leads him to unravel a medieval murder mystery involving Benedictine monks......
Bonfire of the Vanity Fair
Becky Sharp and Amelia Sedley leave Miss Pinkerton's Academy in a carriage but, after Becky has thrown Dr Johnson' dachshund out of the window, the driver takes a wrong turn and they end up lost in the Bronx.
An SMS text message on mobile phones has a maximum 160 characters.
dad@hvn,ur spshl.we want wot u want&urth2b like hvn.giv us food&4giv r sins lyk we 4giv uvaz.don't test us!save us!bcos we kno ur boss, ur tuf&ur cool 4eva! ok?
Bristol Rovers - River rot slobs
Carlisle United - Ritual declines
Cheltenham - The calm hen
Darlington FC -Farting 'n cold
Exeter City Football Club - Bully or toxic beef cattle
Halifax Town - Fix what loan?
Hartlepool - Polar hotel
Hull City Football Club - Full tallyho cubic bolt
Kidderminster - Timed drinkers
Leyton Orient - Entirety loon
Lincoln City FC - Noncyclic lift
Luton Twon - Not low nut
Macclesfield Town - Damn wife collects
Mansfield - Damn flies
Oxford United - An odd fixture
Plymouth Argyle - Really got humpy
Rochdale Football - The drab fool local
Rushden & Diamonds - So mad, and in hundreds
Scunthorpe United - Hedonist puncture
Shrewsbury Town - Snowy brew hurts
Southend - Hot nudes
Swansea - A new ass
Torquay United - Tiny rude quota
York City - Yo!, tricky
Alex Ferguson - Sex organ fuel
David Ginola - A livid gonad
Super John McGinlay - Sperm launching joy
Andy Gray - Randy Gay
Robbie Elliott - Better boil oil
Teddy Sheringham - He'd shag dirty men
Nathan Blake - An ankle bath
Stan Collymore - Measly control
Paul Merson - Lump on arse
Peter Shilton - Enter hot lips
Martin Keown - I'm not wanker
Peter Beardsley - Beery plastered
Maine Road - I Am A Drone, A Dire Moan, No! I Am A Red
Neil Cox - Lexicon
Karlheinz Reidle - He killer red Nazi
Match Of The Day - They of mad chat
George Best - Go get beers
Gudni Bergsson - Undressing bog, Guns on bridges
Fabrizio Ravanelli - Evil Brazilian afro
Gareth Southgate - Treat to huge shag
David Lee - Evil Dead
Dennis Bergkamp - Pink German beds
| Dormitory | Dirty Room |
| Desperation | A Rope Ends It |
| The Morse Code | Here come Dots |
| Slot Machines | Cash Lost in 'em |
| Animosity | Is No Amity |
| Mother-in-law | Woman Hitler |
| Snooze Alarms | Alas! No More Z's |
| Alec Guinness | Genuine Class |
| Semolina | Is No Meal |
| The Public Art Galleries | Large Picture Halls, I Bet |
| A Decimal Point | I'm a Dot in Place |
| The Earthquakes | That Queer Shake |
| Eleven plus two | Twelve plus one |
| Contradiction | Accord not in it |
| Astronomer | Moon Starer |
The Ministry of Information has, with its usual proclivity for exceptional generosity in these trying times, provided the much awaited New year's list of Big Brother's Approved New Words for addition to NewSpeak. Please make yourself aware of them at your earliest convenience. Or you'll be getting a great big hug from the Ministry of Love, if you know what I mean, and I'm sure that you do, citizen. Armed with these new words *VICTORY!* is undoubtedly assured in the conceivable future!! All hail BB!!!!
adiscursive adj. proceeding to a conclusion via intuition rather than reason; moving straight to the heart of the matter.
aftshadow v. to present an indication or suggestion after the fact.
albatrocity n. an atrocious action, condition or object, hanging around one's neck.
analogy retentive adj. the tendency to become unbearable when one's inference that if two things are alike in some ways they must be alike in others is challenged.
anonamourously adv. in the manner of an illicit and unnamed sexual love.
arachnidiocy n. extreme folly or stupidity brought on by the sight of a spider.
automicon n. icons used in an automatic or mechanistic manner, without reflection.
bathoscopy n. technique or mechanism for viewing-at close range-elevated style as it is made to descend to the commonplace or ridiculous.
blood bathos n. serious violence made to seem commonplace or ridiculous.
bravadornment n. decoration of an occasion with a swaggering show of courage or false bravery.
chatachresis n. misapplication of a casual form of discourse.
clandestination n. 1. a concealed final point of arrival or ultimate purpose; 2. the unknowable inevitable course of events.
copacabanal adj. descriptor of a completely ordinary song, such as one by Barry Manilow.
cringe-splurge syndrome n. disease or disorder whereby a consumer first shrinks back only to spring forth all the more powerfully to buy useless commodities.
cyclopean adj. simple- or single-mindedness; limited vision.
datian adj. characteristic of a typical heterosexual social outing.
dictator tot n. a man (or woman) suffering from "Napoleon syndrome."
dichotomystical adj. of or pertaining to division of the quest for union with the divine into two usually contradictory parts.
divagant adj. characteristic of digression or wandering speech.
dramaturgid adj. of or pertaining to an overly ornate text for a theatre production.
elegatarian n. one who practices a refined and tasteful favoring of political and social equality.
emoticonoclast n. an attacker of established on-line ideas and usages, especially those revolving around "emoticons" such as :-)
epiphaniacal adj. of or pertaining to an excessive enthusiasm for revelatory manifestation, to the extent of fabrication.
fascismo n. an exaggerated sense of masculinity exercising a dictatorship.
hegemonyms n.pl. words associated with predominance of one state, entity or idea over another.
homophonia n. rhetorical trope whereby one's speech is affected to sound "gay."
hypotenoid adj. having the characteristics or leanings of a hypotenuse; resembling a hypotenuse in appearance.
idiotomatic adj. characterized by mentally deficient decision-making functioning independently of external influence or control.
intercursive adj. tending to deal with matters of coitus via text.
jane-austensible adj. strict manners; that which might outwardly be expressed in a Jane Austen novel.
legitigation n. to engage in or subject someone to legal proceedings in order to justify oneself or one's cause as legitimate.
ludicrosity n. absurdity or incongruity to the point of being laughable.
misandry n. hatred of men.
mundanger n. an ordinary, typical risk.
neurosisyphusean adj. pertaining to anxiety, phobia or abnormal behavior exhibiting repeated futile but necessary attempts to "succeed."
nihologism n. a word that has made nothing into something.
nostaljihad n. forcing one's longing for things, persons or situations that are not present on others.
omnimpotent n. having unlimited lack of power or physical strength.
omnipressive adj. difficult to bear everywhere.
pedagogerasty n. sexual arousal or attainment by means of pedagogical relation.
peter-panoptic adj. making everything visible appear younger than it is, or you are.
presunctuous adj. excessively forward or confident with affected or insincere earnestness.
simulachresis n. a trope in which the word "like" is employed as a spacing mechanism or affect.
solipsisterhood n. the theory that a woman's reality is the only reality.
sologism n. proposition consisting of reasoning understood by one person only, usually its author.
subvertiginous adj. vertigo or dizziness brought on by exertions toward overthrowing or undermining tradition.
synechdote n. a short account of a humorous or interesting incident with global significance to one's life.
testoasteroven n. naturally occurring chemical producing tertiary male characteristics such as insistence that one can fix all appliances.
thaumogyny n. wonder at or inability to comprehend women, found most often amongst male homo sapiens.
totheextentthat adv. akin to inasmuch as, or starskyandhutch as.
vapid eye movement n. non-verbal communication devoid of interest or sincerity.
Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure:
JAILBREAK
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine guns
pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left
the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just
occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of
the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed
location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up
the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK
OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you
have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment
if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to
pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a
COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You
will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a
newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office
for the Out of the Closet pooper before
entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure
emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you
to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and
identify SAFE HAVENS
SAFE HAVEN
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where
you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering
the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and
tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this
occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way
you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a
WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective
when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD
BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all
doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the
bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a
WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in
the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a
CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could
spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the
pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as
you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty.
This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
FLY BY
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in,
check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER.
People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into
the bathroom.
Confucius say...
Top 10 songs played on 95.8 Kabul FM while the Taliban were in charge....