You are wrong because...(for your convenience, I have checked the brain
malfunction(s) that most closely resemble(s) the one(s) you recently made
on the topic of : (fill in topic)__________________________________
AMAZINGLY BAD ANALOGY: Example: You can train a dog to fetch a stick.
Therefore, you can train a potato to dance.
FAULTY CAUSE AND EFFECT: Example: On the basis of my observations,
wearing huge pants makes you fat.
I AM THE WORLD: Example: I don't listen to country music. Therefore,
country music is not popular.
IGNORING EVERYTHING SCIENCE KNOWS ABOUT THE BRAIN: Example: People
choose to be obese/gay/alcoholic because they prefer the lifestyle.
THE FEW ARE THE SAME AS THE WHOLE: Example: Some Albanians are animal
rights activists. Some Albanians wear fur coats. Therefore, Albanians are
hypocrites.
GENERALISING FROM SELF: Example: I'm a liar. Therefore I don't believe
what you're saying.
TOTAL LOGICAL DISCONNECTION: Example: I enjoy pasta because my house is
made of bricks.
ARGUMENT BY BIZARRE DEFINITION: Example: He's not a criminal. He just
does things that are against the law.
ANYTHING YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND IS EASY TO DO: Example: If you have the
right tools, how hard can it be to generate nuclear fission at home.
IGNORANCE OF STATISTICS: Example: I'm putting ALL of my money on the
lottery this week because the jackpot is so big.
IGNORING THE DOWNSIDE RISK: Example: I know that bungy jumping could
kill me but it's 3 seconds of pure fun!
SUBSTITUTING FAMOUS QUOTES FOR COMMON SENSE: Example: Remember "all
things come to those who wait". So don't bother looking for a job.
IRRELEVANT COMPARISONS: Example: $100 is a good price for a toaster,
compared to buying a Ferrari.
CIRCULAR REASONING: Example: I'm correct because I'm smarter than you.
And I must be smarter than you because I'm correct.
INCOMPLETENESS AS PROOF OF FACT Example: Your theory of gravity doesn't
address the question of why there are no unicorns, so it must be wrong.
IGNORING THE ADVICE OF EXPERTS WITHOUT GOOD REASON: Example: Sure the
experts say you shouldn't ride a bicycle in the eye of a hurricane, but I
have my own theory.
FOLLOWING THE ADVICE OF KNOWN IDIOTS: Example: Uncle Horace says eating
pork makes you smarter. That's good enough for me.
REACHING BIZARRE CONCLUSIONS WITHOUT ANY INFORMATION: Example: My car
won't start. I'm certain the spark plugs have been stolen by rogue clowns.
FAULTY PATTERN RECOGNITION: Example: His last 6 wives were murdered
mysteriously. I hope to be wife #7.
FAILURE TO RECOGNISE WHAT'S IMPORTANT: Example: My house is on fire!
Quick, call the post office and tell them to hold my mail!
OVERAPPLICATION OF OCCAM'S RAZOR (WHICH SAYS THAT THE SIMPLEST
EXPLANATION MUST BE CORRECT): Example: The simplest explanation for the
moon landings is that they were hoaxes.
INABILITY TO UNDERSTAND THAT SOME THINGS HAVE MULTIPLE CAUSES: Example:
The Beatles were popular for one reason only: they were good singers.
JUDGING THE WHOLE BY ONE OF IT'S CHARACTERISTICS: Example: The sun
causes sunburns. Therefore the planet would be better off without the sun.
BLINDING FLASHES OF THE OBVIOUS: Example: If everyone had more money, we
could eliminate poverty.
BLAMING THE TOOL: Example: I bought an encyclopedia but I'm still
stupid.
TAKING THINGS TO THEIR ILLOGICAL CONCLUSION: Example: If you let your
barber cut your hair, they next thing you know he'll be lopping your limbs
off.
PROOF BY LACK OF EVIDENCE: Example: I've never seen you drunk, so you
must be one of those Amish people.
I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult.
I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year
old again.
I want to think that the world is fair. That everyone is honest and
good.
I want to believe that anything is possible.
I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited
by the little things again.
I want to live simple again. I don't want my day to consist of computer
crashes, mountains of paper work, depressing news, how to survive more
days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctors bills,
gossip, illness, and the loss of loved ones.
I want to go to McDonalds and think that it is a four star restaurant.I
want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with
rocks.
I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.
I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my
friends on a hot summer's day.
I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all you knew were
colours, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't
bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't
care.
All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all
the things that should make you worried or upset. I want to believe in
the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace,
dreams,the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.
So.... here's my cheque book and my car keys, my company badge, my credit
card bills, and all 32 of my computer passwords. I am officially
resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss this further,
you'll have to catch me first, cause,
In view of the numerous inquiries Department Heads have had regarding
company policy on "Streaking", the management has adopted the following:
Streaking will be permitted as follows:-
Female employees will streak on odd days
Male employees on even days
On payday all employees may streak, subject to the following:
Girls who have tattoos on the lower half of their bodies, such as
"sock it to me" or "what you see is what you get", will not be
permitted to streak. Also, men with tattoos of butterflies, roses,
or elves will streak with the females.
Junior executives may carry their briefcase while streaking,
however, the usual rule applies - junior executives may never carry any
business papers but may carry the usual, such as a box of Kleenex,
lunch, wife's shopping list and Playboy magazines
Girls with a bust size larger than 36B must wear a bra while in
the shop area or moving around machinery Girls smaller than 36B
should not try to impress people by wearing a bra.
If you streak in any area where food is served, you must wear
two hair-nets. These will be available in the vending machines by
the cafeteria.
In the event that your physical make-up is such that your sex
cannot be determined, such as flat chests for girls or long hair for
boys, you must wear a tag stating "I am a boy" or "I am a girl".
Tags will be attached on girls with hair pins or paper clips; on
boys with rubber bands. Please return all paper clips and rubber
bands to the stationery supplies when you have finished streaking.
Girls may wear jewelry while streaking but in no event should
they bend over to retrieve it should it fall. (Due to insurance
regulations).
No female beyond her seventh month of pregnancy, nor those
wishing to become pregnant, may streak
No mixed streaking in dark hallways, broom closets or under
desks.
Bored during meetings? Why not try some of these little exercises. Not
only will it make meetings more interesting but your fellow work mates
will become suddenly more alert and maintain a respectful distance.
During a meeting:
Discreetly clasp hold of someone's hand and whisper: 'can you feel it?'
from the corner of your mouth
Draw enormous genitalia on your notepad and discreetly show it to the
person next to you for their approval
When refreshments are presented, immediately distribute one biscuit to
each of the attendees. then systematically smash each one with your fist
in front of them.
Chew tobacco
Wear a hands free phone headset throughout. once in a while drift off
into an unrelated conversation, such as: 'I don't care if there are no
dwarfs, just get the show done!'
Write the words 'he fancies you' on your pad and show it to the person
next to you while indicating with your pen
Respond to a serious question with: 'I don't know what to say,
obviously I'm flattered, but it's all happened so fast'
Use Nam style jargon such as 'what's the ETA?', 'who's on reckon?' &
'Charlie don't surf' (even better would be Austin Powers , Ed.)
Reconstruct the meeting in front of you using action figures and when
anyone moves re-arrange the figures accordingly
Shave one of your forearms
Draw a chalk circle around one of the chairs then avoid sitting on it
when the meeting starts. When someone does eventually sit in it, cover
your mouth and gasp
Turn your back on the meeting and sit facing the window with your legs
stretched out. Announce that you 'love this dirty town'
Walk directly up to a colleague and stand nose to nose with him for 1
minute
Mount the desk and walk along its length before taking your seat
Reflect sunlight into everyones eyes off your watch face
Gargle with water
Repeat every idea they express in a baby voice while moving your hand
like a chattering mouth
Gradually push yourself closer and closer to the door on your chair
Hum throughout
Pull out a large roll of bank notes and count them demonstratively
Bend momentarily under the table then emerge wearing contact lenses
that white out your eyes
Drop meaningless & confusing management speak into conversations such
as: 'what's the margin, marvin?' 'When's this turkey going to get basted?'
'If we don't get this brook babbling we're all going to end up looking
like doe-eyed labradors'
Produce a hamster from your pocket and suggest throwing it to one
another as a means of idea-exchange
Use a large hunting knife to point at your visual aids
Announce that you've run off some copies of the meeting agenda. Then
hand out pieces of paper that read: My secret agenda
Trample the weak
Triumph alone
Invade Poland
Re-collect them sheepishly and ask everyone to pretend they haven't seen
them
Attempt to hypnotise the entire room using a pocket watch
When referring to someone in the room always call them your 'homey' or
'dog
'
Leave long pauses in your speech at random moments. When someone is
prompted to interject shout 'I AM NOT FINISHED'
Project the rudimentary computer game Tennis from your laptop
Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars? What about those long
and boring conference calls? Here is a way to change all of that!
How to play: Check off each block when you hear these words during a
meeting, seminar, or phone call. When you get five blocks horizontally,
vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout BULLSHIT!!
Synergy
Strategic Fit
Gap Analysis
Best Practice
Bottom Line
Revisit
Bandwidth
Hardball
Out of the Loop
Benchmark
Value-Added
Proactive
Win-Win
Think Outside the Box
Fast Track
Result-Driven
Empower [or] Empowerment
Knowledge Base
Total Quality [or] Quality Driven
Touch Base
Mindset
Client Focus[ed]
Ball Park
Game Plan
Leverage
Testimonials from satisfied players:
"I had only been in the meeting for five minutes when I won." -Jack W. -
Boston
"My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically." -David D. -
Florida
"What a gas. Meetings will never be the same for me after my first win."
-Bill R - New York City
"The atmosphere was tense in the last process meeting as 14 of us waited
for the 5th box." -Ben G. - Denver
Try the dynamic version of the bullshit bingo card generator.
Once upon a time, there was a nonconforming sparrow who
decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather
turned SO cold that he reluctantly started to fly south. In a short
time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a
barnyard, almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on the
little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end. But, the
manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy,
able to again breathe, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came
by and hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds. The cat
cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate
him.
The moral of the story:
Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend.
AND, If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit . . .
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when
the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are
killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because
the general speed and health of the whole keeps improving by the regular
culling of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the
slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alchohol, we all know, kills off brain
cells, but naturally it attcks the slowest and weakest cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of alchohol eliminates the weaker cells,
constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. The
results of this in-depth epidemiological study verifies and validates the causal
link between all-weekend parties, and the achievement of excellence
in all disciplines.
It also explains why, after a few short years after leaving university
and getting married, most workers cannot keep up with the performance of the
new graduates. Only those few who stick to the strict regime of voracious
alchohol consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieved in
their college years.
If you feel that you are losing your competitive and technological edge,
do not sit and shudder at home - get back into the pub.
Your company needs you to be at your peak, and you should not deny
yourself the sparkling career that you deserve!
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. The
first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the
third man was a Chemist, the forth was a Union Member.
To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your
stuff". T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper
and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said
his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide
rule, do your stuff". Slide rule went out into the kitchen
and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4
equal piles of 3 cookies each.
Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his dog
could do better. He called his dog and said "Measure, do your
stuff". Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a
quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured
exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed
that was good.
Then the three men turned to the Union Member and said, "What
can your dog do"?
The Union Member called to his dog and said "Coffee Break, do
your stuff". Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the
cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, f**ked the other
three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a
grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for
Worker's Compensation and went home on sick leave.
Dealing with irrational people