Following the worldwide problems caused by the Love Bug computer
virus, international marketing communication agency Rainier has
produced a 10-point list to help office workers get on with their
jobs without e-mail.
Talk in loud tones of your wonder at what people did before
e-mail. Wonder at productivity increase
Find a book on the use of English grammar and amaze yourself at
your complete ignorance of how to use it
Go to the pub early and discuss the merits of continued
employment for those who sent or opened a freak email entitled 'I
Love You'. Drink to the hackers who caused you to be there
Blow the dust off your phone book and ring your parents, remind
them who you are and explain what email is
Find the life you left behind when first you logged on. Log off
at the last page of the Internet at
www.wackycreations.com/lastpage.html [this really is worth
looking at: only takes a few secs]
Pull out the Yellow Pages. Ring up market research companies
and offer to take part in any surveys they're currently running
Visit www.eeggs.com to find out how to access hidden games
and utilities in common computer operating systems and
applications
Re-programme databases, desktop and mobile phones and faxes to
account for the recent UK phone number changes
Set-up a chair racing circuit round your office and line-up the
swivel chairs for a spot of office Grand Prix
Spot the companies trying to cash-in on the Love Bug virus and
admire their creative ingenuity
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I cannot accept,
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill today
Because they got on my nerves
And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today
As they may be connected to the feet that I may have to kiss tomorrow
Help me to always give 100% at work.....
12% on Monday,
23% on Tuesday,
40% on Wednesday,
20% on Thursday,
And 5% on Friday
And help me to remember ....
When I'm having a bad day and it seems that people are trying to wind me up,
It takes 42 muscles to frown,
28 to smile,
And only 4 to extend my arm and smack someone in the mouth!
New courses are now available which are designed to dovetail with the new
personal appraisal and staff development systems. Should you be interested
in any of these courses, then please contact your line manager for further
information.
Do you ever feel overworked, over-regulated, under-leisured and
under benefited? Take heart, this notice was found in the ruins of a
London office building. It was dated 1852
This firm has reduced the hours of work, and the clerical staff will
now only have to be present between the hours of 6 a.m. and 7 p.m.
weekdays.
Clothing must be of sober nature. The clerical staff will not
disport themselves in raiment of bright colours, nor will they wear
hose unless in good repair.
Overshoes and topcoats may not be worn in the office, but neck
scarves and headgear may be worn in inclement weather.
A stove is provided for the benefit of the clerical staff. Coal and
wood must be kept in the locker. It is recommended that each member of
the clerical staff bring four pounds of coal each day during the cold
weather.
No member of the clerical staff may leave the room without
permission from the supervisor.
No talking is allowed during business hours.
The craving for tobacco, wine, or spirits is a human weakness,
and as such is forbidden to all members of the clerical staff.
Now that the hours of business have been drastically reduced, the
partaking of food is allowed between 1130 and noon, but work will
not on any account cease!!!.
Members of the clerical staff will provide their own pens.
Ink is available on application to the supervisor.
The supervisor will nominate a senior clerk to be responsible for the
cleanliness of the main office and the supervisor's private office. All
boys and juniors will report to him 40 minutes before prayers and will
remain after closing hours for similar work. Brushes, brooms, scrubbers,
and soap are provided by the owners.
The owners recognize the generosity of the new labour laws, but will
expect a great rise in output of work to compensate for these near Utopian
conditions.
This is serious ... a 'WORK' VIRUS is on the loose ...
If you receive any sort of 'work' at all, whether via email, internet or
simply handed to you by a fellow colleague ... DO NOT OPEN IT.
This has been circulating around our building for months and those who
have been tempted to open it or even look at it have found that their
social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.
If you do encounter 'work' via email, then to transmogrify the virus, send
an email to your boss with the words 'I've had enough of your shit ...I'm
off down the pub'.
The 'work' should automatically be forgotten by your brain and your career
will now be successfully destroyed.
If you receive 'work' in paper-document form, simply lift the document
and drag to your waste paper bin and deposit there. Put on your hat and
coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints of
beer. After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that 'work' will
no longer be of any relevance to you and that 'Bod' was the greatest
childrens cartoon ever.
Send this message to everyone in your mailbox.
If you do not have anyone in your mailbox, then I'm afraid the 'work'
virus has corrupted your life.
"Resumania" is a term coined by Mr. Robert Half, founder of RHI
Consulting's parent company, to describe the unintentional bloopers
that often appear on job candidates' resumes, job applications and
cover letters. Here's some examples:
"I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy,
and expertise."
(And an eye on the "e" section of the dictionary, evidently.)
"Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some.
If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity."
(No problem ...)
"Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually
inseparable."
(Glad to hear it.)
"My compensation should be at least equal to my age."
(And bonuses "tied to" his shoe size?)
"I am very detail-oreinted."
(With the possible exception of spelling)
"I can play well with others."
(We'll be sure to tell your mommy.)
"Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel."
(A new twist on work-family balance.)
"Objection: To utilise my skills in sales."
(Have you considered law school?)
"My salary requirement is $34 per year."
(They say money isn't everything.)
"Served as assistant sore manager."
(Ouch.)
"Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle."
(So you're willing to travel?)
"Previous experience: Self-employed - a fiasco."
(Definitely to the point.)
"I vow to fulfill the goals of the company as long as I live."
(And they say loyalty is hard to come by.)
"Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's
girlfriend could steal my job."
(We're glad you're not bitter.)
With immediate effect, a toilet policy will be established to provide a
more consistent method of accounting for staff during working hours,
thus ensuring effective time management and equal treatment for all.
In future, the doors to all toilets will be equipped with computer-linked
voice recognition devices, which can only be activated to open at the
sound of a person's voice. Staff must therefore immediately provide
management with two voiceprints, one in a normal tone and one under
stress/desperation.
The following rules shall also apply:
On the first day of every month, all staff will be issued with 22
toilet trip credits which may be accumulated.
Once the employee's toilet trip bank reaches zero, the doors
of the toilet will not unlock for the employee's voice until the first
working day of the following month.
In addition, all cubicles are to be equipped with timed paper-roll
extractors. If the toilet is occupied for more than three minutes, an
alarm will sound. Thirty seconds later, the roll of toilet paper will
retract into the dispenser, the toilet will flush and the door will open
automatically.
If the toilet remains occupied, your photograph will be taken by a
security camera and will appear on the Toilet Offenders Board.
Anyone appearing three times will forfeit three months' toilet trip
credits.
Anyone caught smiling when the photograph is taken will undergo
counselling by a clinical psychologist.
Be advised that workmen's compensation insurance does not cover any
injuries incurred while trying to stop the toilet paper retracting into
the dispenser, or trying to keep the toilet door from opening.
We trust that you will co-operate fully with us, and suggest that if you
have any problems with this policy, you should make more use of your own
toilet facilities at home where you can sit to your hearts content.
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