HangoversTotal Quality CanoeingManagement And Writing StyleAncient HistoryRoom For BeerIn the beginning was the PLANLetter Of ReferenceHow America WorksRules for BossesHow to Screw Up an Interview
Hangovers
Total Quality Canoeing
Management And Writing Style
Ancient History
Room For Beer
In the beginning was the PLAN
Letter Of Reference
How America Works
Rules for Bosses
How to Screw Up an Interview
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Big Joke List
1 star hangover
No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a cheeseburger and a side of fries.
2 star hangover
No pain. Something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full-on English breakfast. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanor about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you can really handle is aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.
3 star hangover
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space cadet and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 3:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a litre of coke watching cartoons. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke - yet you haven't pee'd once.
4 star hangover
You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might honk. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the dodgem cars), your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of a secondary school circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one the following:-
5 star hangover, aka Dante's 4th Circle of Hell.
You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually annoying the employee who sits next to you. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You keep saying things like "Never again" and "Oh, God help me". You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe... very gently.
6 Star hangover
You came round on the stairs in a puddle of vomit. Two hours later you are still there because every time you move you head to get up someone hits it with a sledge hammer. Your mouth tastes like it has been used as an ashtray all evening, your tongue is so large your mouth won't close. Someone rang earlier, probably to find out why you weren't at work, the phone ring was painful. You would wish you were dead, but merely wishing makes your head hurt.
A Japanese company and a California company decided to have a canoe race on the Columbia river. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.
Afterwards, the California team became very discouraged and depressed. The management of the California company decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A "Measurement Team," made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.
Their conclusion was that the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the Californians had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering.
So the management of the California company hired a consulting company and paid them incredible amounts of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat and not enough people were rowing.
To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program," with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. "We must give the rower empowerment and enrichment through this quality program."
The next year the Japanese won by 2 miles. Humiliated, the management of California company laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. Then they used the money saved by giving a High Performance Award to the steering managers and distributed the rest of the money as bonuses to the senior executives.
Question: How many feet do mice have?
Original reply: Mice have four feet.
Management Comment: Elaborate!
Revision 1: Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet.
Management Comment: No discussion of fifth appendage!
Revision 2: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet and one is a tail.
Management Comment: What? Feet with no legs?
Revision 3: Mice have four legs, four feet and one tail per unit-mouse.
Management Comment: Confusing -- is that a total of 9 appendages?
Revision 4: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly per body.
Management Comment: Does not fully discuss the issue!
Revision 5: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail. Each leg is equipped
with a foot at the end opposite the body; the tail is not equipped with a
foot.
Management Comment: Descriptive? Yes. Forceful? NO!
Revision 6: Allotment appendages for mice will be:
Four leg-foot assemblies, one tail. Deviation from this policy is not
permitted as it would constitute misapportionment of scarce appendage
assets.
Management Comment: Too authoritative; stifles creativity!
Revision 7: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined
integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system. Also attached to
the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and ornamental in
nature.
Management Comment: Too verbose/scientific. Answer the question!
Final Revision Approved By Management: Mice have four feet.
In 1923, do you know who was:
These men were considered among the world's most successful. At least they were at the peak of their money making careers. Now, more than 55 years later, do you know what became of them???
And The Moral of the Story is:
Stop Worrying About Business And Play Golf.
A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The students laughed.
The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognise that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else, the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks.
The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal.
Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
But then..........
A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.
The moral of this tale is:- no matter how full your life is, there is always room for BEER
And then came the assumptions...
And the assumptions were without form...
and the PLAN was without substance...
and the darkness was upon the face of the workers...
and they spoke amongst themselves saying
"It is a crock of shit and it stinketh"
and the workers went unto their supervisors and sayeth
"It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odour
thereof"
and the Supervisors went unto their managers and sayeth
unto them "It is a container of excrement and it is
very strong...such that none can abide by it"
and the Managers went unto their Directors and sayeth
"It is a vessel of fertiliser and none may abide by
its strength"
and the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying to
one another "It contains that which aids plant growth,
and is very strong"
and the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents and sayeth
unto them "It promotes growth and is very powerful"
and the Vice Presidents went unto the President and sayeth
unto him "This new plan will actively promote the growth
and efficiency of this company and these areas in
particular"
and the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good...
and the Plan became POLICY....
To Whom It May Concern:
"Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity, in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible."
Delivered a short time later:
"That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the letter sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only every other line."
Let's see if I understand how America works lately . . .
If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she was holding in her lap while driving, she blames the restaurant.
If your teen-age son kills himself, you blame the rock 'n' roll music or musician he liked.
If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.
If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the school for poor sex education.
If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender.
If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up with heroin was dirty, you blame the government for not providing clean ones.
If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.
If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.
And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilots at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.
I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore. So if I die while my old, wrinkled ass is parked in front of this computer, I want you to blame Bill Gates, OK?
Stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. From a survey of top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations .